Monday morning,
Woke up late and overslept. And now I’m late for work for the first time ever. Fuck.
I panic and race to the bathroom. Wash my face, brush my teeth. Still noticed that I still had some real bad morning and shitty smelling breath. So I’m about to get my everyday trusty tongue brush inside the wall cabinet without actually looking inside. Now, my OCD likes to keeps my tongue brush in a holder relatively close to the left hand side of the cabinet every day. Unbeknownst to me, my roommate who got up earlier than me also keeps his shaving razor blades for his everyday grooming in the cabinet as well. Only for whatever fucking reason this time, he decided to put it in the same fucking holder on the left side as my tongue brush and it even had the same type of plastic handle feeling in my hands. It was already too fucking late, I snatched it, popped it in my mouth pressed hard and went to town scraping at my tongue like a damn olympic curling team sweeper. I also had no idea I was about to experience the most sadistic fucking pain a human being can possibly fucking feel. I felt a sharp tug at first and realized my ‘brush’ was stuck to my tongue. I froze, totally mystified and decided to try pulling and ripping it off..
Big. Fucking. Mistake.
I immediately feel some sharp pain with instant stabbing and stinging sensations all over my tongue and open my mouth to see blood spewing like a volcano in my mouth, it splatters EVERYWHERE. I can’t see FUCKING SHIT. Anyone remember that bathroom scene from IT or some Freddy Krueger shit where a small hole just keeps nonstop spewing blood? That was all happening in my mouth. I’m already rolling and gagging on the floor, the immediate pain and shock was so bad that my body went straight into convulsions and uncontrollable seizures. It felt as though someone had put a lighter inside and lit every single one of my fucking nerves inside my mouth on fire. At one point, I pretty much was coughing and choking on reservior blood filling up my lungs.The razor blade I pulled out also had visible long hanging shredded up bloody strips of my tongue. I could have vomited as well had I looked or glanced at it enough. After about 10 fucking minutes of this seemingly unbearable torture, the bleeding stopped gushing and flowing when I shoved a full towel into my mouth and bit it as hard as I could while driving myself to the hospital. Got 22 stitches for the gashes and missing chunks on my tongue shortly after. Got called off work, can’t eat or speak without pain and also have an entire bathroom floor painted with red to clean up.
Fuck me.

TL;DR: Was in a hurry, grabbed a razor blade I thought was a tongue brush and scrapped my tongue into a bloody mess.