“You picked the wrong house, fool!” So I saw this post recently that tried to figure out what exactly Big Smoke got when he went to Cluck-and-Bell. And I wanted to take it a bit further. In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, let me just quickly explain. In Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, there’s a mission called “Drive-through” where the Grove Street members go to a fast food place called Cluck-and-Bell, which is kind of like a KFC and a Taco Bell put together. Big Smoke, the really fat one, makes a pretty complicated order. I’ll just let you all hear it real quick so you get a good idea of what he said. “I’ll have two number nines, a number nine large, a number six with extra dip, a number seven, two number forty-fives, one with cheese, and a large soda.” Pretty complicated order, right? And it doesn’t really tell us what he got, it just tells us the numbers. So, let’s try to figure that out. Now, the orders are really never referred to by number again, but I figured they might have like a menu or something inside where we could figure out what they have. Nope. Unlike every single fast food place ever, they don’t have a menu inside. However, they do have a menu somewhere else: the official Cluck-and-Bell which you can find online. On the website, if you go onto the nutrition tab, it tells you exactly what they have in stock: a kid’s meal, a fillet burger, a double fillet burger, a foul burger, a foul wrap, large wing pieces, a large bucket, salad, soda, and finally fries. Now that we know all the menu items, we can start trying to figure out what exactly each order is. Let’s start off with the number nine. We know for a fact that Big Smoke got two number nines and a number nine large. Because he says a number nine large, we can assume that the meal is upsizable, meaning that instead of medium fries and a medium drink, he could get a large fries and a large drink and maybe a larger main course as well. So because of this we know for a fact that Big Smoke had to have gotten two medium fries, one large fries, two medium drinks, and a large drink. But that doesn’t really tell us what the order was. To figure that out, we have to go back a bit earlier in the mission to something Rider said. Rider ordered a number nine as well, so if we could figure out what he ordered we could figure out what the number nine is. Earlier in the mission while the whole group is arguing over where they want to go and get food, Big Smoke suggests that they should go and get chicken. However, Rider instantly objects and says that he doesn’t want chicken. So it’s only logical that he gets a meal that isn’t just straight up chicken, but is something in addition to chicken. This could be a fillet burger, a fowl burger, a fowl wrap, or a salad. But there’s also something else. Later in the mission there’s a cut scene where Big Smoke passes Rider his food. If you look closely, you can see that Rider’s box says “Burger Shot” on it, for some reason, which is a completely different restaurant. I’m gonna assume that Rockstar made a mistake here, and they meant to use the only other model that size from Cluck-and-Bell: this one. If you look closely at the box that they meant to use, you can see that it says “Fillet Burger” on the side. This makes sense because that means that the number nine can be a fillet burger, and the number nine large can be the double fillet burger. So now we know that in addition to two medium fries, two medium drinks, one large fries, and one large drink, the order also had to contain two fillet burgers, and one double fillet burger. Now that we know that, we can try to figure out number six. For number six, Big Smoke and Sweet both say that they want extra dip with their meal, so we know that the number six has to have dip. The only things that have dip on the menu are the salad, the large wings, or the bucket of chicken. To figure this out, we need to listen to what they said after the order. Big Smoke says that he hates cold food, so it’s pretty unlikely that he got the salad. Also we learn something later in the mission when Big Smoke and Sweet are talking to each other. “All you managed to do was eat my damn food up!”
“Yeah, it was getting cold!”
We know that salad can’t really get cold, so it has to be either the wing pieces or the bucket. Now personally I don’t think that Sweet would have gotten an entire bucket of chicken to himself which kind of leads to to believe that he must have gotten the large wing pieces. Now we know that the number six is the large wing pieces, and because every order is a meal, we can assume that it comes with a medium fries and a medium drink as well. Now that we know that, let’s move on to the number forty-five. This one’s pretty easy. Big Smoke orders two number forty-fives and he says that he wants one with cheese. Because he says he wants cheese on it, that means that it has to be a type of burger. And Cluck-and-Bell only serves two types of burgers: the fowl burger and the fillet burger. And because we know that the number nine is a fillet burger, that only leaves us with one option: the fowl burger. So we can add two foul burgers, one with cheese, two medium fries, and two medium sodas to the order. Finally comes the number seven. The number seven is a complete mystery. Big Smoke and the rest of the members don’t say or do anything that gives us a hint at what it might be. The only possible items left on the menu that haven’t been mentioned yet are the fowl wrap, the salad, and the large bucket, assuming that they didn’t get the kids meal. I don’t think its’s the salad because come on, look at the guy. Do you really think someone who looks like this would order a salad from a fast food place? Cause I don’t. I also don’t think it’s the large bucket because Big Smoke didn’t make any noise while eating and everyone knows that you make noise while eating fried chicken. Again, this is and everyone knows that you make noise while eating fried chicken. Again, this is a shot in the dark but logically I think that the number seven has to be a fowl wrap, a medium fries, and a medium drink. So now let’s add everything up and try to figure out how many calories it is. For this part, to find out how many calories each item has, I found the real world equivalent of it. Let’s start off with the fillet burger. I decided to compare it to the KFC fillet burger and the double fillet burger to a fillet burger with two pieces of chicken on it. Big Smoke ordered two fillet burgers and one double fillet burger, so that would be a total of 1620 calories. Next are the two fowl burgers. I compared them to the McChicken which is around 350 calories. And since he got two, that makes it around 700 calories. Now is the fowl wrap. I compared it to the McDonalds’ Chicken Snap Wrap which is around 310 calories. Then come the large wing pieces. I compare these to the KFC wings which are 120 calories each. Let’s say he got a standard five piece wing meal, which makes it around 600 calories. Finally come the soda and the fries. I compare the sodas to medium and large sprites and the fries to standard McDonalds’ fries. Big Smoke ordered six medium fries and a large fries and six medium drinks and two large drinks. So in total the fries would be 2550 calories, and the sodas would be 1760 calories. So if you add everything up, Big Smoke’s order was an astounding 7540 calories. Assuming that the average diet is 2000 calories, the single order would be 3.77 days worth of food. And that’s how big I think Big Smoke’s order was.